a window to life

this morning I woke up at five because somewhere very near my bed a birthday celebration was happening. at 5 am. with a band.
I have to say I live for these cultural differences.

today the day of deciding had come. already during the last day I felt that something has shifted and all of a sudden I was ready, even eager to leave.

so I contacted cesar, my friend from never ending travel agency here in flores and told him I was ready to leave. and suddenly I was truly ready. if there would’ve been a bus tonight I would’ve taken it.

for the past few days I didn’t sleep well. I think it’s been another symptom of my mind being a little stubborn and not ready to give into my hearts desires yet. all has it’s time. I allowed myself this process and the consequences of that delay.

the next step was rest. I have two books with me that I’ve been holding onto for many years. the poems of mascha kaléko and khalil gibrans the prophet.
one of my favourite lines of the prophet is this:

and ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.

it resonates deeply. today I realized I won’t be going back to el mirador (at least for now).
my heart was swept with sadness because this place is such a special place in my heart. and with joy because I got to be there.

I found a home there in such miraculous and unexpected way. I was led to follow my heart and give my love fully. and yet I wish I would’ve known and embraced the mountains and the land even more.

leaving flores behind is a wonderful choice for me. leaving el mirador and the jungle makes my heart feel all the sweet depth of love and longing and shows me how deeply I can feel these things.

I went to a tienda to get some water and the woman working there asked me how I enjoyed being in the selva for 9 days. I didn’t know her nor did I tell her about my adventures. her question made my heart smile and jump a little.

nothing is ever lost. the smallest stone leaves ripples in the water that will stretch amongst all of the lake.
I still feel the ripples of the stones of my life.

I visited to maracuya to sit in the space of butterflies and plants that has become my personal safe space and atelier in the last weeks. the coffee is hot and perfect and the waitress compliments my pronunciation in spanish.

and I sit and I let my feelings flow and transform into a river of words. I let my mind become still.

my pasta came, I went and slept through the afternoon. I woke up just in time to see the last light of the day by the lake, after running there to make it in time.

I went to my favourite tienda where a sweet lady sells homemade pan dulce and a lot of other things, she had my favourite pan, finally after many days!

on my way back I saw a man masturbating in a busy street. there have been a lot of questionable moments with men in the last days.
a lot of „hey baby“ in the streets, whistles, „I love you“. today a man told me he wanted to take me to his land. and honestly I don’t even know what to say to that anymore. what I can say it that’s a shared experience. unfortunately.

on days I’m feeling good I just shake it off. then it doesn’t affect me. when I don’t feel so good it makes me feel disgusted, unsafe and sad.

in front of the hostel I met antonio, my friend from carmelita. that was a warm and sweet surprise! seeing him always makes me happy and what an unexpected gift it was to see him once again.
I can only highly recommend everybody who loves nature and mayan culture in the slightest to do the hike to el mirador.
and I will happily share more necessary information and help with those who’d like to embark on a journey to the selva!

back in the hostel people were preparing for a football match; I decided to come with them and cheer for our team of 4 english boys.
we went there with a car, all the 9 of us. like one of the clown cars in old tv shows. england lost and afterwards there was beer and lemonade for the kids and me.

at night I walked the streets of flores with a friend. eventually I was very tired and decided to go to sleep.

as I prepared my bed my dear friend jacob called me to which I didn’t speak in a few months. we shared about our lifes and where we’re at. the last time I’ve seen jacob was 2019 in india and since then we’ve kept in touch without seeing each other ever again. talking to him always awakens my understanding of the mystical flow of life and deepens my trust.

what a day, what a life. this night I will sleep excellent I have decided.