a window to life

heute erzähle ich euch von einer reise, einer reise in die tiefe meines herzens. heute sprechen wir auf deutsch.
es ist eine besondere reise, auf die ich euch heute mitnehmen darf. und die, die mich kennen, werden wissen, dass es für mich dennoch keine unübliche reise ist.

ich durfte in den letzten 12 wochen am roots of life programm mit melanie dominiak teilnehmen –
eine reise in die tiefe der eigenen angst und durch sie hindurch zurück ins eigene herz – zurück ins vertrauen.

ich habe melanie durch „zufall“ im internet gefunden. ich war bei einem event von ihr dabei und die klare, sanfte, liebevolle art, mit der sie uns durch eine erste übung zum thema angst geführt hat, hat mich direkt begeistert. ein paar tage habe ich hin und her überlegt, habe mich hingezogen gefühlt und gezweifelt, wusste im herzen bereits, dass ich an ihrem programm teilnehmen würde, und war mir doch nicht sicher, ob und wie.
ich hatte den ersten call mit ihr, und auch dieser war klar, verbunden, liebevoll – und ich wusste, ich würde es möglich machen.

denn wenn mein herz mich so klar ruft, darf mein verstand kooperieren – egal, worum es geht.

auf dem programm stand: den eigenen ängsten begegnen. sie kennenlernen und durch sie wachsen. genau das war es, was ich wollte. und das war es auch, wovor sich mein inneres gesträubt hatte.
ein teil von mir wollte diese irrationalen angstgefühle nur über bord werfen – so schnell und effektiv wie möglich.
meine angst war mir unbequem, lästig, ein „feind“. ich war wahrscheinlich schon immer etwas ängstlich, aber in den letzten jahren hat sich diese leise angst in eine panik entwickelt, die sich nur schwer ausblenden ließ. und ich habe es gehasst.

es hat nicht zu der person gepasst, die ich sein wollte: mutig, stark, furchtlos. zentriert. jemand, an den andere sich wenden können. jemand, der immer stark ist. immer bereit.

inzwischen ist mir klar, dass diese eigenschaften sich nicht gegenseitig ausschließen. im gegenteil – sie bedingen einander sogar.
wie melanie sagte: gefühle sind ein paket. wir können nicht die großartigste freude fühlen, wenn wir unsere angst ablehnen. unsere gefühle machen uns ganz, sie machen uns menschlich, sie machen uns zu denen, die wir sind.

ich hatte angst, meiner angst so intim zu begegnen, aber meine neugier war größer. und vor allem wusste ich:
so wie es war, konnte es nicht bleiben. ganz einfach. ich wollte mehr vom leben, als mich hinter meiner angst zu verstecken. schon immer – und jetzt erst recht.

ein paar wochen nach meinem ersten kontakt mit melanie kam ein absolut liebevolles paket bei mir an – samt prozessbuch, amethyst, räuchermaterialien und ätherischem öl (und ein paar weiteren überraschungen!).

wir haben uns einmal in der woche über zoom getroffen und sind tief in die materie eingestiegen. das programm war eine zusammensetzung aus psychologischen, ganzheitlichen und energetischen ansätzen.
im ersten modul ging es um den nährboden – ängste, psychosomatik, die verschiedenen ebenen, die in unserer erfahrung zusammenwirken.

das heißt konkret: wenn da angst ist – wo kommt sie her? welcher teil von uns kommuniziert da mit uns und was möchte er uns sagen?

ab dem ersten moment habe ich dieses programm geliebt. in meiner arbeit setze ich mich viel mit diesen themen auseinander, und melanie hat mit ihrem hintergrundwissen aus der psychologie immer wieder aspekte eingebracht, die mich überrascht und begeistert haben.

wir haben uns angeschaut, welche körperlichen themen und symptome mit welchen energetischen und emotionalen aspekten zusammenhängen und diese bereiche weiter erforscht – immer anhand von beispielen der teilnehmerinnen.

kommt die angst aus einem glaubenssatz, einem gedanken oder einer körperlichen erinnerung?
wovor schützt dich der körper, und was möchte er dir sagen?

was denken wir über unsere ängste – und wo kommen sie her?

wir sind in diesen ersten wochen so tief gegangen, dass ich darüber ein kleines buch schreiben könnte. doch das hat melanie mit ihrem prozessbuch schon getan.

dieses programm ging viel tiefer, als nur die eigenen ängste und trigger loszuwerden – es war wie eine reise durch die persönliche geschichte. durch die teile, die man sich gern erhält, und die, die man guten gewissens endlich loslassen kann.

eine reise von der selbstkritik hinein in die selbstannahme. eine reise zurück ins eigene herz.

im zweiten teil sind wir unserem inneren kind begegnet. für einige war es neu, ungewohnt – für alle war es bereichernd. am ende jedes treffens hat melanie uns durch eine übung geführt, um das gelernte wirklich zu fühlen. um es zu verkörpern.

die angst kommt in so vielen fällen aus unserem kopf, dass es eine riesige heilung ist, sie einfach in einem sicheren rahmen im körper zu fühlen. mit ihr zu sein, sie an der hand zu halten.
in den ersten augenblicken war es schwer, so mit meiner angst zu sein, ihr den raum zu geben, sich auszudrücken – doch von session zu session ist es leichter geworden.
allein das hatte sich für eine weile unmöglich für mich angefühlt: einfach mit meiner angst zu sein. im frieden, im vertrauen in mich und meinen körper. etwas das so unangenehm ist ganz zu fühlen und gleichzeitig im vertrauen zu sein.

wir sind tief in verschiedenste aspekte eingestiegen. wir alle haben unsere human design chart erhalten und persönliche impulse dazu, wie uns dieses wissen auf unserer reise unterstützt. wir sind auf die energietypen und sternzeichen eingegangen, auf die energie dahinter und das potenzial, was darin verborgen liegt.

ich bin schnell in diesem raum gelandet. es hat sich nach zuhause angefühlt, diese zeit mit frauen zu verbringen, die alle auf die eine oder andere art und weise eine ähnliche erfahrung gemacht haben wie ich selbst: plötzliche, unerklärliche angst und scheinbar kein weg da raus.

ich glaube wirklich, nach diesen 12 wochen noch mehr, dass diese symptome ein effekt der art und weise sind, wie wir heutzutage gesellschaft leben. aber das ist eine andere geschichte.

wir haben uns untereinander in unserer gruppe ausgetauscht, und es gab immer raum für fragen und impulse. melanie ist voller liebe, klarheit und witz auf die fragen und sharings eingegangen, und jeden sonntag haben wir uns über die vergangene woche ausgetauscht.

wir haben tief gearbeitet. wir haben den nährboden geklärt, die gründe und zusammenhänge der ängste erforscht und uns wieder an die magie des vertrauens erinnert – das vertrauen in die körperweisheit, ins fühlen und sein.

und dann sind wir ins träumen übergegangen. oder vielmehr noch: ins manifestieren.

wenn alles möglich ist – wo möchtest du dann hin? was möchtest du erleben?

wenn wir das alte erstmal losgelassen haben ist da wieder raum für so viel mehr. so viel freude, so viel tiefe.

es ist wichtig, die eigene richtung zu kennen. alles wird leichter, wenn wir uns auf unsere vision zu bewegen anstatt von etwas weg.

wir sind auf die universellen gesetze eingegangen, auf die grundlagen von polarität und energie – ein wirklicher allrounder.

melanies unterstützung war wundervoll. eine ode an die gemeinschaft, an das gemeinsam lernen und erinnern.

diese zeit hat für mich alles verändert. nicht, weil melanie etwas bestimmtes getan hat, sondern weil dieser raum mir die möglichkeit gegeben hat, mich selbst nochmal auf eine ganz neue art und weise zu erfahren.

mir selbst nahe zu kommen – in all dem, was ich fühle, in all dem, was ich bin.

und das ist ein geschenk – ein ganz wundervolles und unbezahlbares geschenk. ein raum voller tools und impulse mit einem sicherheitsnetz aus gemeinschaft, das einem erlaubt, mutige neue schritte zu machen.

ich hatte angst vor dem leben. ich hatte angst vor allem – nicht, weil es wirklich etwas gab, vor dem ich hätte angst haben müssen, sondern weil mir die angst zur gewohnheit geworden war. melanies erfahrung, ihre liebe und ihre führung haben mich daran erinnert, dass es noch so viel mehr an wundern zu erfahren gibt.

dass ich voller liebe für diese welt bin und mich lange genug versteckt habe. dass ich nicht furchtlos sein muss, um mutig zu sein – sondern im gegenteil: wahrer mut liegt darin, die dinge mit ein bisschen angst zu machen. mit der angst an meiner hand.

ich habe es gewagt – und wer hätte das gedacht: es war wundervoll. und das ist es noch immer. und wer hätte gedacht, dass die angst tatsächlich leiser wird, wenn ich ihr erst einmal zuhöre.

it’s been silent over here. not because nothing has happened but because life has been so loud.
now the words are fleeting, over a year since I shared something here, now where to start again?

I returned home with a sense of surrender. home to germany, home to my family for wintertime over a year ago. I had been travelling the middle east and it felt very vulnerable to me to be there at that time, so I travelled all the way back to istanbul, from there over prague to amsterdam.
one day I had breakfast in istanbul, lunch in prague and dinner in amsterdam.

from there I returned home shortly before christmas with no idea what my life would be like. I didn’t really feel the desire to stay in germany for too long, my mind had tons of ideas of where I could go next and what I could do. I usually listen to my heart in these things, however my heart felt silent and confused.

lots of things have come up, at first unnoticed. I remember that christmas I felt so confused and out of place – after new years I had absolutely no idea what would happen next. where would life go. where would I go?
at the end of 2023 I reconnected with someone I had liked a lot during my travels. we were in love or at least something like that and with all of the confusion I felt the only thing I could think of was to spend some time with him in the neighboring country where he lived. at that time it seemed like the only reasonable choice for me to make – I didn’t really have a place in germany anyways and I didn’t realise I was running from myself.

my friend had a beautiful home in nature with plenty of space for me and my creativity and so I was just there, reading books and making art and strolling through nature, mostly scared of what would happen next or simply avoiding the thought of it. but that never works well, does it?

somewhere in these weeks I started believing that me and my friend were a good match.  similar interests, chemistry, all of those things. some days after new year’s he told me he loved me for the first time and I felt the same. I was convinced that I was ready to commit to an actual relationship. nothing else would really make sense for me anyways. however he was not.

we were in this back and forth, dancing around each other, both scared of commitment and getting hurt for different reasons. I convinced myself I was ready and it was what I wanted. he has had long term relationships for the past 10 years or so with not much time in between (if any).

I could say more about that time but eventually it really doesn’t matter anymore. some months into the year he ended things over the phone. I was strangely relieved and also fairly disappointed.

funnily enough he ended things out of a need to be alone and figure himself and life out and I ended up doing just that for myself while he got into a relationship weeks after.

I was sad. I wasn’t really heartbroken, I was disappointed. mostly in the friend I saw in him. in the person I thought he was. my love painted this beautiful picture of him that the reality didn’t live up to.

I was done with dating and romantic endeavours. I REALLY needed time for myself, my healing, my heart.

I made myself a home in my home again to ground and process the past months or really years of travelling.
spring came, then summer and I was here, with my family, with my friends.

I had lots of healing to do. and eventually that ended up being the main thing I did for the next year.

now mind you, that wasn’t boring at all. I was faced with such deeply rooted fears that it took my breath away several times. I didn’t know where it would take me – I connected with myself deeper and more honestly than ever before. more than I could’ve ever imagined even though I thought I knew myself well before that time. well, there’s always more.

my desire to heal and uncover, to meet myself deeply led me deeper into my purpose and path of helping others heal as well – and how could it be differently?

I had already worked with different healing modalities before, one of them being theta healing®.
after deepening my understanding of the human experience and emotional world I felt called to become a theta healing instructor as well to not only support others in their healing but also teach them how to heal themselves.

I officially started self employment. (and what a paper-mess that is in germany!)

I taught my first class in the italian mountains and it was magical.
to witness how deeply transformative this work is even when just learned.

I taught more classes and attended even more as a student. I learned from vianna stibal, the founder of theta healing herself, I took a three month course with eckhart tolle and another one with john strelecky. I read tons of books and found ways to ground and embody the things I’ve learned. all of my time and resources went into my healing. it was what I had to do, it had to be done and I fully committed to it.
I didn’t go on a single date that year.

now that really wasn’t what I had planned for the year. it wasn’t what I hoped for, I didn’t write a vision board saying „monk phase & spiritual quest“.
I just found myself in a situation with seemingly no way out but to face my fear & hurt and move through it.
feel it to heal it is what they say and in many ways I found that to be true. to be present in my body with all the sensations, with all of my experience. to hold myself gently through the pain and the fear.

and sometimes it needs a little more than that. sometimes we need a helping hand to guide us through the depths of our confusion. to be with us and hold us through the stormy waves of life. I never asked for help as much as I did in that past year and I was never able to offer as much help and support to others. they go hand in hand.

now I can say that this journey through my fears back to myself and into my center has been one of the most challenging, most adventurous and yet most rewarding things I have done.

it wasn’t what I wanted at and yet it was what I needed. in a funny way it was as if all the stars aligned for me to meet this new depth of myself.

and yes, the life we dream of waits for us on the other side of fear.

with love,

klara

today I am missing the wild world out there. the late june sun is shining outside, birds singing and vibrant green surrounding my home. I am longing for the unknown.

I drank my morning coffee and sat here questioning what else life has in store for me. and my mind started wandering.

to the pyramids deep in the jungle of guatemala where I felt so brave and strong. and so happy.
to the car ride to göbekli tepe in turkey where my host drove us and stopped by the road for me to see the women taking the seeds out of peppers and drying them in the sun. red fingertips and veiled smiling faces.

to all the times I thought I fell in love while walking in unknown streets, getting lost over and over again in unknown eyes and faces.

my mind takes me back to heavy rainfalls in the mexican jungle and wild animals I never thought I’d see with my own eyes. it takes me back to the bus ride to the border of iran and the nights I spent looking over the city of mardin into the vast desert.

all these moments where I didn’t know what would come next.

now my days are full of art and silence.
walking barefoot in the grass around my home, feeling the sweet embrace of warm summer evenings. times of stillness and preparation.

preparation what for?
once again I have no idea what will come next. nor when it will start.
something old in me has ended and the new is just arriving. I can already feel it and I know I am preparing for whatever it is and yet at this very moment I do not know.

soon I will be 25, precisely in one week. what a long short life it has been so far, full of surprises and I can say my love for this beautiful life is more and more present in my days.

12.07.23

these days I am feeling as though I am watching the universe do its work, perform its special magic. sometimes in life the so called coincidences and signs are few, these days they are almost overwhelming.

perhaps because I started following my heart again?
not that I’ve wanted to stop doing that in between. somehow it had just happened. and instead of led by my heart I felt rushed and confused about suddenly being back in this western world. sometimes I even felt led by fear.

those of you that are constant guests in this library of my heart will find the fast movement of life and changes with me.

a few days I wrote some words from a place of confusion, not knowing and not having a direction yet. right after that my intuition showed me a way and I decided to follow it and jump: even though that felt scary to me at first. after taking that leap of faith life revealed an impressive amount of coincidences and synchronicities to me and somehow things that seemed quite difficult at first came into alignment.

I found a ride from andalusia all the way to boom festival. with people that will potentially even borrow me a tent for that time.

in valencia I was hosted by a wonderful kind man that made vegan dinner for us, shared some of his life with me and listened to my stories from the jungle and from the magic that life provides with such abundance these days.
we watched the rain together and then a rainbow we had both hoped for.

this morning, he woke up early to have breakfast with me. pumpkin cake his mom has made from a pumpkin his dad has grown in their garden and soy milk. he walked me to the metro station and I started my journey to granada.

the people I drove to granada with were extremely friendly once again. at first they spoke a lot in spanish and I slept happily in the back on the drivers suitcase. eventually we stopped and had a coffee; there we found out that me as well as the other passenger were vegan and she shared her pan con tomate with me.

as we continued driving I took part in the conversation and they tried very hard to include me by speaking very slowly and in between explaining me what was said in english.

then we got into some traffic. I checked google maps to see what’s going on and read that there was an accident ahead of us;
in that very moment there was an explosion – the tile of a truck on the other lane had exploded and the truck was out of control.

it fell and slid right towards our little car breaking the two metal barriers separating the lanes as if they weren’t existent and crushed into one of the cars right behind us.

I’ve never seen an accident like this and in the moment this huge truck flew into my direction I saw my life flashing before my eyes. I couldn’t believe what had happened nor that we were still alive and unharmed.
so much energy. I cried. we continued, on the way we saw two more trucks that had had crashs as well.

everything is so relative and the line between life and death incredibly thin. today in the car I experienced a moment of feeling „okay, this is it.“. and one of the things I strongly felt strangely was: how did I not see this coming? how did I not feel this in advance?

life is precious. life is a miracle, endlessly wonderful and not ordinary at all.

I ended up in a hostel in the center of granada. extremely exhausted I went to rest.

in the evening I went out. the evening sun was still hot, the streets bright and filled with people.

walking down these beautiful streets filled with arabic words and restaurants, filled with all these beautiful garments and little lamps I felt that I was no longer separated from my dreams but right inside of them.

I felt that I wasn’t chasing my dream, I was living it. somehow the middle east that is calling my heart so strongly these days has already entered my life.

11.07.23

as I am walking through barcelona the city is slowly waking up. once again I notice that besides doves and other birds there’s also parrots living here – such lovely memories from the selva.

I am leaving barcelona to travel down to andalusia for a retreat with uria tsur. something I didn’t even dream about doing some weeks ago. something that in other moments would’ve been so difficult to allow myself.
right after coming back I volunteered for one of urias vocal freedom events and heard of this retreat in spain – my heart called me strongly to attend even though my mind was conflicted. as so often. beautiful mind, how much we have to learn together.
in a few days only that dream manifested into a reality. I decided to choose me, my wishes and desires and follow my heart instead of the restrictions of my mind.

by now I’m in a car driving down to valencia. flowers in the middle of the highways, mountains surrounding the land in the distance. dreamy little villages that remind me of my time on the camino de santiago.
the other people in the car are talking about geo engineering in spanish. I understand some of the conversation but my spanish is not enough to really participate. I am dreaming.

I followed my heart here. once I knew I was going to spain I spoke to my good friend ole in barcelona to see if I could visit him and his partner susana. they agreed and so I suddenly found myself in barcelona again, where 10ish months ago my journey to mexico started.

now big cities aren’t really the place I feel most comfortable. I like mountains and vast skies and seeing stars at night. I like to live around trees. but life sometimes has it’s plans with us..

some days ago I was on my way home through the streets full of amazing architecture when suddenly I felt called to change the side of the street I was walking on. sometimes these things happen, sometimes I don’t think much about it or don’t notice these impulses.

this time I did and asked myself: what did I do this for?

only moments later I was to find out. I walked past a stranger standing on the street with his bicycle, our eyes met. he took down his sunglasses to meet my eyes fully. I smiled and continued, in awe of life’s sweetness and how impactful following simple impulses and our intuition can be – like changing the side of the street.

life is all around us and listens to us, always. always.
some moments later he was there again. he had followed me with his bike, a possibility I had strongly sensed as I continued walking.

we spoke for some moments. we could’ve spoken longer but were on our ways to different directions so I gave him my contact and walked home.

sometimes life is quite slow for a long time and then other times it moves so quickly. in the evening I saw him and we spoke about a lot of things for some hours walking through the streets of barcelona.
he told me about his plans for travelling europe and some festivals he was going to.
eventually he continued his travels the next day. oh, the life of a traveller; meeting oneself in another just to be separated again moments later never quite knowing how and when paths will cross again.

now I was supposed to fly out of spain 10 days after the retreat and in between I had thought to travel down to morocco, something that has been on my list for quite some time. but now suddenly my heart strongly called me to go to that festival in portugal.

some things really made sense in that. it’s going to happen exactly in the time frame I’m free between the retreat and seeing my family in august. it would be a wonderful adventure. other things really didn’t make sense to my mind. it would mean not taking my flight back which is not refundable. the ticket is quite expensive, I didn’t prepare to go to another festival. I don’t have a tent nor a hammock or anything. it means driving all the way to portugal in the two days in between retreat and festival. and so on..
my mind had a whole little presentation of worries and fears in terms of why I shouldn’t do it.

but my heart knew. and living in this body so long I know that if my heart chose something it will happen anyways.

so I did it: still to my very own surprise I got myself a ticket for boom festival yesterday! I took another leap of faith and jumped into the unknown once again.

besides that lovely stranger from the streets of barcelona there’s one other person I knew was going to boom festival as well. a good friend from my hometown in germany.

when I spoke to him briefly about having a ticket he mentioned something that gave me another intuition and shortly after what seemed so unlikely turned out to be true.

him and my friend from barcelona know each other from many years ago in canada and are also good friends. not only that but they have also spoken about camping together at boom festival. what synchronicity!

I landed in valencia. again this city is way bigger than I expected. how strange it is to suddenly be in such a big place all alone and without a place to go to! happy I am that I’ll only stay here for a night.

the architecture here is incredible. truly, no comparison to some other cities I’ve visited, especially german ones. the majority of spanish people are beautiful and well dressed. I am just me. sweaty after walking with all of my luggage, dressed the way I’m dressed most of the time, wearing barefoot shoes even though I’d prefer not to wear shoes at all.

I found myself a vegan restaurant to hide from the sun until my couchsurfing host would return from work or my friend from mexico would hit me up. the man in the line behind me asked me to pay for my lunch but I turned the offer down. I’m happy to have space for myself and just be with me.