a window to life

I am sitting on a dance floor in the mountains. right now no dance is happening. bamboo sticks, the creek flowing next to me. my white skirt.
this morning I’ve been crying. a lot.
how did I get here?

I spoke to my former partner for the first time in months and he told me he fell in love again. he is not only my former partner but also best friend and one of the people I’ve loved the most and held the closest to my heart in the last few years.
my eyes fill with tears, again. not because of him but because today I noticed all the parts of me that were still holding on to a dream. and today that dream died. it is a pain that floods my heart to leave it more open and more in touch with the world. more in touch with itself.

today is one of the days where I truly feel what it means to receive support. as I cry there’s someone to hold me and ease the pain. people who loved as well and know the pain of dying dreams.

and then my heart is filled with joy. because I love that person who used to be my partner, who still is dearly beloved and close to my heart. because I love him and I’m so happy for him to find love in another being. and because I know it is such a gift for me to finally release and do that thing I’m incredibly scared of:
letting go.

I honor myself for loving so much that even now after many months of separation I can feel this way. I honor myself for loving and believing and giving myself time to detach.

I am guiding myself through this process with so much love. yet the intensity of feelings is a lot and came suddenly.

a moment of feeling deeply in touch with life and my heart. my head lying on the table next to my barely touched breakfast. my eyes filled with tears looking at the mountain tops.
two friends come and hold me. hands on my head, on my back, on my shoulders as my tears fall and my body is shaken by the rhythm of emotions flowing through me.
letting go also means being free.

then the creek, so cold and wonderful and alive. and tears again. and now I’m here on the dancefloor in the shade and all of life around me is still where it was before my phone call. all still has it’s place and I wonder, because in a way most of the bad things that happened in my life were only related to my expectations and perception.

in reality, nothing changed. yet inside of me a lot that has been hidden arose to the surface, was seen and felt and let out through tears and laughter.
and the reality of love is freedom. love can only exist in freedom and I’m so grateful for all the opportunities of learning for my love to be free.

yes, some days are like this. emotions roll in unexpectedly and they take everything with them.
but there’s peace in these storms and love and understanding of one’s self.

I know I didn’t let myself be truly free yet. because always something else came in my way. because I always believed I needed to be somewhere or do something, in many cases ‚for love‘.

but love never asked me to do these things. love doesn’t ask for sacrifice. love gives and takes from itself.

love is always, always a blessing.
what tried to force love into a form is but my mind; my expectations, the way I didn’t learn how to love myself fully. and in that I suffered. but love itself is unconditional, all encompassing. love just is.
and slowly slowly in releasing all that is not love I will be left with that love.

14.04.23

another day, another beginning, another chance for change. how beautiful to be gifted with life every morning.
and what a gift that emotions are like water; constantly flowing and ever changing. yesterday my day started with tears, my heart heavy and yet so open and in touch with itself – today my day started with gratitude for life, singing and dancing in the kitchen.
my home is a place in the mountains, a place where people love each other and provide loving space for growth and communication. it is a place of artists and a place for dreams.
today, my heart is light again. over me the moon is so much smaller than a few days ago, eagles high above in the sky.

last night we had a sauna and sang in there; after that we went into the creek and cleansed ourselves in the cold mountain water.

and today, what will be today? in this land of hummingbirds and butterflies, volcanos and sacred waters, what will happen today?