a window to life

now it’s been a while since I shared my story here. the lake has been a vortex. so much has happened in such a short time; on the inside as well as on the outside.

now, after many days it’s time for me to share again.

28.04.23

it’s raining, I am sitting in a small restaurant close to my home. the cacao in front of me is sweet and soft and the trees are green and the lake and the sky melt together in grey. I am writing about love.
love that keeps my heart warm and my days full of wonder. love always reminds me of hope. to me, they are inseparable.

letting go was good and necessary and beautiful; not as dramatic and painful as it has been in past experiences. letting go filled my heart with light.

the rainy season has arrived. clouds are hanging over the mountains surrounding my home and on many days you can not see the other side of the lake anymore.

I found a home in tzununa, in gaia, the dance temple. I am gifted with a beautiful connection to my friend luca and my days are filled with laughter.

eventually life just happens. when I go to san marcos I know the streets will be full of people I know. I am meeting myself in new ways; in communication, in community, in fear and in love.

I went paragliding and that thing I was so very afraid of turned out to be simply wonderful. again I felt that there’s nothing to fear but fear itself.

I made a lot of art, I took it to some markets on saturdays and was met with wonderful support. and realizations about my art and my motives of creating. I rediscovered that to me work is supposed to be play and a way for love to reveal itself.

I had my first mayan abdominal massage and everything was moved; I learned to rest again and give my body time.

my first carving workshops happened, ecstatic dances, sharing poetry and music and so much love.

moments where I felt so incredibly happy and content and like all in life is exactly at it’s place.

and today is a good day, a calm day. a day of giving the silence space and taking the space that I need for myself. knowing my heart in that silence.

poetry, 28.04.23

the day is filled with nothingness. and what I shall fill my nothingness with but love?
the day is filled with love.
it is so calm. so calm.
I prepare the mushrooms you brought me and everything is calm. and everything is love. and I think maybe I’ve never been happier than now.
my friend is outside with her lover, the day is rainy and cold, somewhere in the distance there’s music playing. I prepare mushrooms and I think of you.
in the silence of this day I remember how letting go is always so good for me and always so good for my heart.
shivers run down my arms. life is always new, moment after moment, all new beginnings. and a constant death.

will you tell me of yourself?
I ask myself and that self smiles, knows, waits patiently of the moment when it’s just her and me.

I jump. often I jump. I will prepare the mushrooms with garlic and rosemary, rosemary tastes like home. and home is here and now, in this moment, in the silence of today and the silence of my heart.

29.04.23

I can not commit to anything but following the whisper of my heart. though the road may be steep and uneasy at times it is my only one to follow.

03.05.23

another day at the lake. waking up to the lush green of the beginning rainy season.
knowing I’ll return home does no longer hurt me; instead it fills me with excitement.

on the wild boat rides people give me their children to hold, we lend each other hands for leaving and entering the boats.

another day for writing and sharing my heart; another day of gratitude.

I meet the people I am supposed to meet. I am showered with love and understanding, by others and more importantly by me..

I meet my friends in the street, one of them kisses my head, I didn’t see him for some days. I almost fell in love.

the cat comes and cuddles with me on days I feel lonely. the rain is so strong that nothing seems safe and the streets become rivers.
the mountains smile at me in the mornings. they stand tall and strong during the storms, the shivers don’t get to them. they reflect the thunder into eternity; now the nights are loud.

I sit in a cafe close to my home; even though I’ve just been here twice before the owner granted me that I could pay my coffee another day. the cafe is full of people who enjoy the loving environment by themselves.

tonight I will see my friends for dinner; we will talk about the movements of our hearts and our plans for hiking acatenango.

on sunday I’ve been to a truly wonderful kirtan in a place close to home. I could look over the mountains, the trees and plants down to the lake and my heart was flooded with gratitude. deeply moved I cried tears of joy.

there are more days and more adventures to come; my heart is very moved in this time. resting, integrating, preparing for what’s next to come.