a window to life

31.05.23

I’m on a bus back to the place where my journey through central america truly began more than 8 months ago.
I am exhausted, tired, frustrated with the transportation and the intensity and heaviness of emotions recently..

in this time, my moon, what I’d love for myself is rest and a nurturing home. instead I’m on a 15 hour bus journey back to the other side of the country.

and I am moved again. what moves me is the constant change I feel so strongly these days;
remembering and experiencing that nothing lasts forever.

there is so much comfort in finding home abroad. but in these moments of transition, ending and death the sudden absence of love (and loved people and places) can cause a lot of sadness.

waves, an ocean in my heart.
that makes me sink and remember. not only when traveling life is like this; change is always there. in the details, waiting behind the next corner, unexpectedly taking apart what seemed to be so secure.

in the last days and nights what I most longed for was security. so many changes on the inside and outside made me question myself over and over again.
who was I when I left for this journey months ago? who am I now?
and what do these people have in common?

looking for security on the inside I noticed that I couldn’t provide much for myself in these moments.

looking for security on the outside it felt like the only thing to rely on was that there would always be the earth to hold and support me as all I could do was to lie down and let all responsibility fall off of my shoulder to return my heart to the mother. what a relief.

now these feelings truly challenge me, a lot. and they also make me cherish what is. this one profound moment of right now that will never return again. the one present moment to pour my heart and love into.

yes, this is the reality of travelling. yet it is not the only one. there is also another side; the one where I got sick on a 20 hour bus ride and didn’t know how to contain myself at all. where in the end I found myself sitting on the floor in front of a public bathroom somewhere in mexico city not knowing how to continue or even get up. so exhausted, tired of travelling, tired of feeling physically sick and mentally challenged.

somehow I got up, somehow luca look charge of the situation and found busses and transportation for us and somehow we made it to tepoztlan where I went straight to bed to sleep another 17ish hours.

after that I felt better; hungry for the first time in a while, still exhausted and not so energetic but at least better than the days before.