a window to life

I’d like to share from a very collected place but the truth is I can’t. because I’m not feeling the most collected these days.
about three and a half weeks ago I returned from central america back to europe and this time has been a rollercoaster of emotions. I made myself a ton of plans to avoid feeling my emotions and how lost I was actually feeling being back in my homeland. it really doesn’t feel much like home to me. not anymore? or did it ever?

when I got in touch with my sadness and confusion I realised I couldn’t avoid my feelings. and making a ton of plans wouldn’t really help me with that but make me feel stressed and eventually more confused.

sometimes I don’t know what to say. nor where life’s waves are taking me. still I try to fill the silence with words, I try to give it a voice, express it to move the depths from which these feelings arise.

one of these times in between.
now that I write this, I realise that I tried to just continue traveling. and now I also see that wouldn’t work. because going home moved so much in me, many layers I’m half aware of. feelings so known that looking at them feels almost impossible.

what is ahead of me is the unknown. and I have to be willing to trust. my mind wants to know, to try and figure out everything, my heart knows I can only let go and be swept out to the sea of endless possibilities. what a day, what a life.

besides that I begin to notice the synchronicities again and learn to listen to the voice of my heart. in challenging times and especially times of a lot of movement my mind still tries to build a shell around my heart so I wouldn’t get hurt.

inside of that mechanism there’s so much hiding and also neglecting my love, neglecting myself; and I am happy to become aware of that. another chance to allow myself to be myself fully in all the new situations. who else would I be?

today I am in barcelona seeing my good friends. soon I will travel down to andalusia for a wonderful retreat with uria tsur, whose work is a great inspiration for me.
since first reading the alchemist by paulo coelho I’ve wanted to see andalusia one day and next week it will finally happen!