a window to life

it’s been silent over here. not because nothing has happened but because life has been so loud.
now the words are fleeting, over a year since I shared something here, now where to start again?

I returned home with a sense of surrender. home to germany, home to my family for wintertime over a year ago. I had been travelling the middle east and it felt very vulnerable to me to be there at that time, so I travelled all the way back to istanbul, from there over prague to amsterdam.
one day I had breakfast in istanbul, lunch in prague and dinner in amsterdam.

from there I returned home shortly before christmas with no idea what my life would be like. I didn’t really feel the desire to stay in germany for too long, my mind had tons of ideas of where I could go next and what I could do. I usually listen to my heart in these things, however my heart felt silent and confused.

lots of things have come up, at first unnoticed. I remember that christmas I felt so confused and out of place – after new years I had absolutely no idea what would happen next. where would life go. where would I go?
at the end of 2023 I reconnected with someone I had liked a lot during my travels. we were in love or at least something like that and with all of the confusion I felt the only thing I could think of was to spend some time with him in the neighboring country where he lived. at that time it seemed like the only reasonable choice for me to make – I didn’t really have a place in germany anyways and I didn’t realise I was running from myself.

my friend had a beautiful home in nature with plenty of space for me and my creativity and so I was just there, reading books and making art and strolling through nature, mostly scared of what would happen next or simply avoiding the thought of it. but that never works well, does it?

somewhere in these weeks I started believing that me and my friend were a good match.  similar interests, chemistry, all of those things. some days after new year’s he told me he loved me for the first time and I felt the same. I was convinced that I was ready to commit to an actual relationship. nothing else would really make sense for me anyways. however he was not.

we were in this back and forth, dancing around each other, both scared of commitment and getting hurt for different reasons. I convinced myself I was ready and it was what I wanted. he has had long term relationships for the past 10 years or so with not much time in between (if any).

I could say more about that time but eventually it really doesn’t matter anymore. some months into the year he ended things over the phone. I was strangely relieved and also fairly disappointed.

funnily enough he ended things out of a need to be alone and figure himself and life out and I ended up doing just that for myself while he got into a relationship weeks after.

I was sad. I wasn’t really heartbroken, I was disappointed. mostly in the friend I saw in him. in the person I thought he was. my love painted this beautiful picture of him that the reality didn’t live up to.

I was done with dating and romantic endeavours. I REALLY needed time for myself, my healing, my heart.

I made myself a home in my home again to ground and process the past months or really years of travelling.
spring came, then summer and I was here, with my family, with my friends.

I had lots of healing to do. and eventually that ended up being the main thing I did for the next year.

now mind you, that wasn’t boring at all. I was faced with such deeply rooted fears that it took my breath away several times. I didn’t know where it would take me – I connected with myself deeper and more honestly than ever before. more than I could’ve ever imagined even though I thought I knew myself well before that time. well, there’s always more.

my desire to heal and uncover, to meet myself deeply led me deeper into my purpose and path of helping others heal as well – and how could it be differently?

I had already worked with different healing modalities before, one of them being theta healing®.
after deepening my understanding of the human experience and emotional world I felt called to become a theta healing instructor as well to not only support others in their healing but also teach them how to heal themselves.

I officially started self employment. (and what a paper-mess that is in germany!)

I taught my first class in the italian mountains and it was magical.
to witness how deeply transformative this work is even when just learned.

I taught more classes and attended even more as a student. I learned from vianna stibal, the founder of theta healing herself, I took a three month course with eckhart tolle and another one with john strelecky. I read tons of books and found ways to ground and embody the things I’ve learned. all of my time and resources went into my healing. it was what I had to do, it had to be done and I fully committed to it.
I didn’t go on a single date that year.

now that really wasn’t what I had planned for the year. it wasn’t what I hoped for, I didn’t write a vision board saying „monk phase & spiritual quest“.
I just found myself in a situation with seemingly no way out but to face my fear & hurt and move through it.
feel it to heal it is what they say and in many ways I found that to be true. to be present in my body with all the sensations, with all of my experience. to hold myself gently through the pain and the fear.

and sometimes it needs a little more than that. sometimes we need a helping hand to guide us through the depths of our confusion. to be with us and hold us through the stormy waves of life. I never asked for help as much as I did in that past year and I was never able to offer as much help and support to others. they go hand in hand.

now I can say that this journey through my fears back to myself and into my center has been one of the most challenging, most adventurous and yet most rewarding things I have done.

it wasn’t what I wanted at and yet it was what I needed. in a funny way it was as if all the stars aligned for me to meet this new depth of myself.

and yes, the life we dream of waits for us on the other side of fear.

with love,

klara