a window to life

what a wild (or not so wild) thing to write about. I never thought this would be something I’d ever come across. but here we are.
so, as you can guess, I spent the past year in celibacy.

what does that mean?
for me, it means that the last time someone kissed me was precisely one year ago. I didn’t go on a single date in the meantime, there were no „talking stages“, no falling in love (except for with myself).

this is really not something I expected to occur. those who know me know that I am a veeery romantic person. I used to consider myself a hopeless romantic as well, although now I am very much not hopeless anymore. and maybe this happened exactly because I am such a romantic.

my last relationship wasn’t much of a relationship. the person I was seeing wasn’t ready to commit to me, and looking back I am glad he wasn’t. it clearly wasn’t the soulful connection I am looking for. looking back I can also see that many parts of myself weren’t ready to commit to him (or anyone) either – which explains why I kept attracting avoidant and unclear men.

the reason why I wasn’t ready to fully commit and open up for love (although I was convinced I was ready) is the same reason that led to this period of celibacy – to me, love was deeply intertwined with pain.

now again, this wasn’t something I was super aware of on the conscious level. I did know that love had caused pain and suffering to me in the past, but I didn’t know how much these were connected in my mind. they were connected to an extent that made it almost impossible for me to truly open up to the love I was longing for. I kept attracting people who weren’t ready or didn’t know what they wanted, and the absence of what I was longing for led to more disappointment and pain. you can already see, it’s a bit of a loop that’s at play there.

so after my last connection ended, I knew I had to get some things straight for myself in order to save myself from more pain and confusion. to free my heart from the chains I had created in order to be safe. as you can imagine, the path to get there was healing.

and that’s what I did. for this past year, I committed all of my time, all of my resources to healing. understanding where these patterns were created and why. discovering how they played out in different contexts of my life over and over again without me noticing.
I had to understand my past relationships in order to really let them go. and I really wanted to let them go.

these decisions often create ripple effects in our lives. this was the case here as well. I committed to my own healing, and so more and more things I hadn’t looked at kept showing up.
I GOT TO MEET MYSELF IN ENTIRELY NEW WAYS.

for me, being so focused on my own healing led to doing healing work more and more as well. I spent most of that year learning and discovering. it was the least social time of my life and probably the most transformative.

some of the side effects were truly finding out what I want in life and in relationships and what not. feeling much more rooted in myself and in my body. discovering how much I tended to focus on the other person in my relationships and how I always ended up abandoning parts of myself.

I started being much more selective with whom I chose to let into my space and into my energy. I was never really interested in seeing someone just for fun, but during this time it became very clear to me that the connection I am calling in is to be special. one of a kind. the meeting of two hearts much more than of two bodies. I realised that I didn’t want to invest my energy in things that didn’t reflect that desire.

the more clear I became with my heart, with how I want to live and how I want to be loved, the less interesting it became to put up with anything less than that. and most importantly, it just wasn’t the time for that.

I didn’t go out. I didn’t travel much. I didn’t meet a lot of new people. I took seminars, I worked with myself, I met myself deeply and faced some uncomfortable things. I worked with clients and took more seminars. eventually, I got the theta healing teacher’s certificate and I started teaching energy work as well.

I grew closer and closer with myself. I got a bit attached to this idea of living in celibacy. my ego liked it. it was so different from how I perceived myself before – all of it. after 9 months I thought: wow, I never thought this would happen, nine months without being kissed. time went on and I kept doing the things I love, the things that were so incredibly important for my healing journey and my life.

for the past week, I felt that I am ready to let go of this chapter, of this identification, of this time. today it’s been a year. it took me a while to get here, and now I feel that my heart is open to receive the love that is meant to last.

I cried so many tears – tears of joy and loneliness and frustration and fear that it would always be like this. my heart shed many layers of old grief and pain.
like a flower that loses old petals just to grow again after winter, more beautiful than ever.

I used to be so scared of love. and I honestly can’t say that I am not anymore. but what I’ll say is that I am ready – ready to feel it all. ready for the next step, ready for love to transform me and move through me and hold me tenderly and teach me – all over again.

spring reminds us of our blossoming – we’re growing every day.