a window to life

the journey back

I left tepoztlan on monday. someone I love a lot came to say goodbye to me and gave us a lift into the center in his oldtimer.

luca, pablo and me went to mexico city together. luca and me walked around until it was time for me to leave. and until it was time for me to leave I felt okay.

I took a bus in the direction of the airport and as soon as I entered the bus, suddenly without luca for the first time in many weeks, suddenly all by myself, I didn’t feel okay anymore.

I felt like breaking down. I didn’t have the card one needs to pay for the bus but a lady in the front immediately paid for my ticket with her metro card, before I even realized what was going on. she kindly refused to take my money for that.

I sat in the crowded bus, leaving mexico city, leaving the place of the world where I’ve spent the last 9 months and such a wonderful important part of my life. my eyes were waterfalls.

I cried and cried and I couldn’t stop. I fell into a hole, I couldn’t see properly nor did I want to. it was the start of a very intense journey.

another lady gave me some tissues and all these unexpected acts of kindness that flowed to me so naturally left me feel even more touched. and made it feel even harder to leave.

I barely functioned. alone in the night with my three heavy bags, changing busses with another police officer helping me to pay for my ticket, into the airport where everything went well even though I only arrived one hour before my flights departure.

entering the airplane I could only hold myself together. when one of the cabin crew members asked me how I was feeling I told him not too well. my face full of tears again.

he took me aside, held my shoulder and spoke to me in a calming way. carlos. I found my seat in the very last row, 44D, sat down and allowed myself to fall into pieces. so many tears.

how can one take a transition like that? for so many months I have lived amongst different lands, different languages, different traditions. all of that has changed me and impacted me and I have changed. how does one go back to before? like time travelling, but into the wrong direction.

my life has become a different one and I have become another self. how do I take all of that with me? how do I contain all the love I have found for people without knowing when or where or if I’ll see them again?

oh, a loving heart.

a lady on the other side of the aisle gave me sweets and told me some calming words in spanish. to receive all this kindness and support made me feel so seen but also so vulnerable, so weak.

for the first time of the flight I could just sit and cry. stare into the nothingness in front of me and wonder how to take this. how to move through.

so much love that I felt like my heart was being torn apart. so much pain that in these moments, nothing mattered anymore. only the river of emotions flowing through me. only the heartbreak.

I don’t know how long I’ve cried. the tears flowed and flowed. there was dinner, carlos spoke to me softly and kindly and I was often asked if there was anything I needed.

eventually I slept. I woke up because the aircraft was going through intense turbulences. cold, confused, exhausted from the intense wave of emotions I was incredibly scared.

now I’ve been traveling for a while and I’ve never been scared of being on airplanes. in fact I’ve mostly really enjoyed being in the air.

but in that moment I was frightened. it was dark in the aircraft, maybe half awake I’ve dreamed that the oxygen masks had fallen down and the people and cabin crew were in panic.

I tried to go to the bathroom, another member of the cabin crew sharply told me that I was not allowed to leave my seat now. looking back I must’ve been half asleep. I was frightened, I was shaking. I don’t know what happened, somehow I must’ve fallen into carlos arms.

he sat down next to me and held my hand. I was feeling so cold, so scared, so lost. in my mind I was begging god to let us land safely. everything felt out of control.
carlos sat next to me, held my hand with both of his hands and was the kindest person I’ve ever met on an airplane. he was so sweet, so understanding and I was extremely grateful. he did way more than he would’ve had to and he did it with so much love.

this transition is difficult. it is immensely difficult for me. the turbulences got less and eventually carlos left and I went back to sleep. but only after he spoke to the pilot, reassured me the turbulences were over for now and offered me some chocolates.

also the lady on the other side of the aisle held my hand that night. so even now, that I’ve left my friends in other parts of the world, I was deeply supported.

and also so grateful. that carlos was there, a kind and loving and understanding man who supported me in this process of transitioning that was so hard for me. grateful for all the kind strangers. grateful to hold myself and feel and allow my feelings to flow. grateful for the waves of letting go to sway me and slowly become smaller.
grateful that the airplane didn’t crash. (my fear was very real)

now, I am sitting in the london airport. in two hours I’ll take another flight to hamburg. my mom and little brother will pick me up there and for the first time in a while I’ll see them again. my family! and tomorrow I’ll surprise my dad’s side and my little sisters.

and a few hours later suddenly everything is different again. I was in the london airport for a few hours. I wrote, I thought, I felt, I cried some more. I bought a salad. the cashier asked me „how are you mam?“ and my answer was tired. not devastated, not sad, not lost anymore. just tired. me too, he said.

honestly, how beautiful it is when people really care about your feelings. strangers. that look into my eyes and ask how I am. eating my salad I realised how much better I’m already feeling.

now I am about to board my flight to hamburg. the sun is shining and I remember: summer in europe means light until 11pm. evenings on my bicycle, in parks, with friends. and suddenly I’m singing again.

if I look at myself in the mirror I still see that this process wasn’t an easy one but now with the sun in my face it’s easy to trust again.